Yous

been hanging out a lot with bff lately. we’re both lean on finances and we have a good time whatever we do.

saturday night, looking to hang out somewhere else than at the house, he suggests we go down to one of his friend’s house in oc. they’ve all known each other for 20+ years and i heard so much about these people, that my curiosity was killing me. apparently the wife of his friend is a major bitch, and i just love to witness stuff like that. i love it when people freak out/get bitchy and i get to watch. especially when i have absolutely nothing to do with it. i know, i’m a bit sadistic that way. but it keeps me entertained.

so we head down there, and they had popped a bottle of wine and had already started drinking by the fire outside. (yea, love the outdoor firepits-came home smelling like i jumped in a campfire…really, i do love it). so bff and i pour ourselves drinks- gin and tonics. apparently we now travel with our own booze…

bff and his friends met in chicago, where bff is from and they all did crazy stupid stuff while some were in the military. i heard more stories of ‘chasing tail’ in one night than a girl needs for quite a while.

my bff says this:

” you know, it wasn’t until i was in the militrary that i found out YOUS wasn’t a word. my drill instructor heard me say it and asked me what the hell ‘yous’ was. i told him ’sir, YOUS is the plural of YOU SIR’!”

i have heard many people from the midwest/east coast say it, but to now know that they actually think it’s a word, and plural of you no less, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

i’m actually sitting here with him now, and he said (now imagine a chicago accent)  ”well, i just figured they skipped it in school. you know, you, yous…..”

that has to be one of the funniest things i’ve heard all year.

viva las vegas

i love being single. i really love the ‘let’s go anywhere right now’ attitude that comes with it!

had quite the whirlwind of trips this holiday weekend.

my bff (had falling out with old bff, this is new bff-he’s been promoted from bgf-best guy friend- to bff) had a cousin get married in vegas last weekend and wanted to cruise out from la la land to say congrats and hello to family he hasn’t seen in 16 years. naturally i offered my services as bff to accompany him on his vegas trip. even if it’s just to sit in the car and keep him company. we weren’t really thinking of staying more than a night, even if it’s a no sleep night kinda night. my only parameters were that we drink heavily, or as much as allowed and still drive, and to make it back to LAX by 10am sunday morning. I had a flight to visit my fam for thanksgiving leaving 11am on sunday.

so, to recap: leave LA friday night, drink heavily, get back to LAX by 10 am sunday. easy breezy.

just after 10 pm friday night

we have a 4 hour ride. no worries. his brother, nephew, dad, cousin and other various members are already out partying. ‘alright, but make sure you guys are still up when we get there’. but as the night and  drive wore on, the fam was more and moreinebrieted, we weren’t sure if they were gonna make it for our arrival. our sleeping accomadations were with brother and nephew, so at least they were gonna make it right? wrong.

2am

no ones picking up their phones. all we knew was they’re staying at the luxor. no room number no nothing. thank goodness for smart phones! i got online with his wonder of a phone (i have severe phone envy. his rocks. it’s not an iphone. it’s better) and hooked up a hotel room. that was an interesting convo, i spent most of it trying to tell the other end that we were showing up in 20 minutes, not later that night. we finally score a room at the luxuirous stratosphere.

3 am

we have our first cocktails in hand. he gambled and i watched, cheering him on in my own way. i don’t like to gamble, so i’m just there for the free drinks and for moral support.

5am

5 cocktails later, we are just as ineberiated as brother and nephew must have been.

6am

we stumble to our room

7am

passed out

10am saturday morning

i am up, still drunk and take a shower. somehow manage to get my shit together enough to make myself look somwhat decent. oh, yea, and there was a wedding to attend at 2:30. plenty of time to get ready. i need tea. he needs coffee.

11:30am

he needs a haircut and out comes the smartphone. we find the nearest not so near fantastic sams and pop in. we both look in the mirror and realize we should not be out amongst normal, non casino people. we look like shit. i feel great tho, still drunk. the hangover hadn’t quite made it through the system yet, altho it was creeping.

12:30pm

meet up with brother and nephew. (um, hi there nephew, you’re kinda cute! this will be fun!). hit the bar for the first couple rounds of g&ts. brother has a joint, and we go to the car to smoke it, and discuss the ‘getting ready’ plans for the wedding. now, if you’ve ever been to vegas, you know that just walking to your car from your room is in itself a fuckin 1 hour 22 min walk. i was not gonna make that walk more than necessary so i decide i’m just gonna change in the car. as we’re walking out to the car, brother starts to dry heave. it’s the funniest thing i’ve heard in a week. i wasn’t sure if he was gonna make it, i envisioned puke splashing everywhere on the skybridge. luckily, he ran towards the trash can, dry heaving all the way and makes it in the trash. i’m dying. i haven’t seen a 40 year old in that condition in a while. we get to the car, smoke the joint and i strip down to bra and panties in the parking lot. i didn’t care who saw or what they thought. i just needed to look cute for the wedding. i change, bff and bro are impressed with my skills-and i even got a couple of compliments. nice.

1:15pm

make the long ass walk to brother’s room, which happens to be on the other freaking side of the world. stoned and back on track to gettin drunk, i wait in the room as the boys change. not bad watching a bunch of hotties gettin all cleaned up. i had to keep my composure tho, they are like deer, you can’t spook ‘em. otherwise they get embarrassed and the show’s over. i was caught by bff, but he just laughed. hey, they oogle the hot girls and waitresses in skimpy outfits, let me oogle some good looking men.

2:00pm

meet up with extended fam and get in the cabs to go to the very very end of the strip to where all the chapels are. i’m having severe traumatic flashbacks. i got married in vegas. at the little white wedding chapel (the same one britney spears did, but i did 2 years earlier. funny how they both ended up-in divorce). still having flashbacks and now a severe craving for a g&t (gin and tonic), we end up at the graceland chapel. cute. real cute. and of course elvis is there.

2:30pm

elvis hits on me. but he later apologizes cuz he thought i was the bride. so wait, it’s ok if you’re hitting on the bride? whatever. itsvegas. nothing makes sense in vegas. the ceremony itself was short and sweet, and very funny! i was in the very back, and all i could see of elvis was the hip pumping and gyrating and that was enough for me! we hung out, took some pics and it was done.

3:30pm

at the bar for some more g&t’s. dinner for the reception isn’t until 5 so we hang and drink and we all talk. of course, here and there some of them are playing the slots. i just go along for the ride. i’m doing my best to hang with nephew. seems like a really good guy. wonder what he’s like in between the sheets……ok, that was the gin and tonics talking…i love it when the gin and tonics talk.

4:30pm

meet up with extended fam, and the tequila shots begin. ouch. tequila. we stumble to the taxi line and fall into a taxi to get over to planet hollywood for dinner.

5:00pm

dinner at some brazilian steakhouse. dad was keeping me nicely buzzed. everytime i looked down there was a g&t there. saweet! i’m wearing a super cute dress by the way. the girls were nicely shown off, not slutty, but nice. and every man in there noticed. hence, the g&t’s on the table! gotta work whatcha have, my girls aren’t the biggest, but it’s all in how you work it. a female cousin and i had sat next to one another during the ceremony and we had a good time. she  seemed nice. a little conservative, but nice. clearly she noticed my girls too. in a brazilian steakhouse, they come around with skewers of meat and slice them off for you as you like. i didn’t realize it until girl cousin spoke up, but all the waiters were coming around to me first-and i was not in the most convienent location either. but there was a line of them. ‘roasted chicken miss?’, ‘would you like some pork loin miss?’, ‘filet mignon miss?’. i had a pile of meat (ha ha ha literally and figuritilvely) in front of me, while the rest of the table waited. girl cousin said she needed to hang out with more so she could get learn how to work it. that makes me laugh even now. dinner was great, and i realized that this was the first time since getting into vegas that i ate food. g&t’s don’t count?

8:00pm

it’s all kinda blur from here. i know at one point i couldn’t walk in my heels any more,m and i needed to change, i stripped again in the parking lot-this time hottie pottie nephew watched too-and again amazed with my skills, the boys and i were hitting it up. more drinks, they gambled and i watched, more drinks.

11:00pm

bff and i discuss if we should sleep or if we should just pull an all nighter. i vote all nighter. but then we have to vote who drives home. some how i get roped into driving home (which is yay kinda, cuz i’ve been wanting to drive his truck since i’ve met him, but he’s never let me…). i make it a point to tell everyone that come midnight, no more drinking for me. i have to drive in 5 hours.

1:00am

why is there a g&t in my hand? i thought i was driving home? ok, well, i’ll just finish up this one and that’s it.

2:00am

shit. there’s another g&t in my hand. i didn’t even order this one. wtf?

3:00am

we stumble up to brother and nephew’s room for a catnap. watch as paid prostitute works her way up the elevators and goes to work. the boys’ heads are following her ass. one day, with enough working out, my ass will do that to a group of guys as well. ok, gotta get up by 4:30.

3:30am

who the hell ordered the roll away bed? and what the fuck for? why are they calling the room to let us know? fuuuuck.

4:30am

some alarm is going off. time to get up and hit the road. what day is it?

5:00am

bff and i are in the truck, hitting the road. it feels like a new day. even tho we just went to bed 2 hours ago. he drives the whole way, and i stayed up to keep him company. it’s the least i could do.

9:30am sunday morning

checking into my southwest flight at LAX. i look like hell. i’m starving. still drunk? not yet hungover? i smell like vegas. and gin. lots of gin.

11:00am

sitting on my flight with a nasty little snot nosed kid named jacob behind me. kicking my seat. if i had more strength, i would have thrown him out the emergency door.

2:30pm

my brother picks me up. ‘you stink like cigarettes’. i run into the bathroom of the airport, strip-get a nasty ‘oh my goodness’ from crazy lady, and change.

3:30pm

saying hello to my family for the thanksgiving holiday. playing with my niece.

8:00pm

passed out and didn’t get up until 8 am the next day.

i love being a single woman. doing what i want, when i want and with who i want.

viva las vegas!

bad date

so if a date is going kinda bad, is it wrong to be giving out my number to other guys?

it happened twice. last night i was on a date with a guy i met last month, we went to a bar. he shoulda known better than to take a date to a bar. it wasn’t going that great, and the bouncer was super nice and kinda cute. so i slid my number to him when date wasn’t looking.

went on lunch date with bouncer today. good time.

then date boy from last night wanted a second go at things, said ok (ditched the gay friends to hang with the straight boys. girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do). met up with said date, brought a friend (happens to be a guy…) and the conversation was so lacking i would have preferred to have had a root canal. met a really really cute boy while outside smoking. did i mention he was super cute??? oh my.

on our way out of the bar-early i might add-headed straight for super duper cute boy and gave him my number. he texted me right away. can’t wait to go out with him.

my question:

if the date isn’t going so well, is it THAT wrong to keep an eye out for other potentials? especially if date is at a freakin bar???

i didn’t think so.

facebook wants to help

this is in response to sarahtableforone

her facebook wanted to help her meet some men. and until now i didn’t notice how facebook wanted to help me meet my ideal mate.

girl, i feel your pain!

here’s how facebook wants to help me:

sarah, you’re young-i’m 33 and according to facebook, i need a single professional mature dad.

great. thanks facebook.

the only straight guy in there

last night was a friend of mine’s birthday. he’s a new friend of mine, and a good one at that. he was hurt that one of his best friends decided to throw a halloween party the same night as his birthday, and was getting a little bitchy about it. gay guys tend to do that.

i showed up to his house, informs me we won’t be staying very long at the halloween party because its his birthday and we’re only making an appearance. fine by me. i don’t know any these people anyway and honestly i’m just looking to have fun with my boys!

we thought we were so fashionably late, at over an hour…but with the gays that is not the case! the party didn’t even bother getting started until 2 hours after official ’start’ time. by that time, however, we helped ourselves to all the fresh drinks (read: VODKA) and food. food? not really, cheese and chips and grapes. got some cheese in me, can’t be drinking on an empty stomach now can i?

the party is in full swing, my friend whispers in my ear ‘you know there is a straight guy in here somewhere’. awesome! sounds like a challenge! more like finding a needle in a very muscular, shirtless haystack. now, i have damn good gay-dar (or at least i like to think i do) and it takes me only one pass through the party to find him. of course, his costume screamed ‘i’m straight’ from across the room. he was dressed as slash from guns’n'roses. and the key words here are DRESSED. we all know that halloween is like the gay holiday of the year, and like slutty girls on halloween, the skimpier the better. but guys can get away with being 98% naked.

with plenty of social lubrication (VODKA)-and this may be my best move to date- i looked at him, pointed at him, then at me, then pointed outside and mouthed the word ‘NOW’.

he completely obliged, left the conversation and we walked outside. we smoked a cigarette (yes, i know..smoking is bad blah blah blah, but in cases like these it’s fantastic) and chit chatted for a few minutes. then we made out like a couple of high schoolers at a keg party.

‘BREEDERS!!!’ yes, we got yelled at by the gays.

my friend wanted to go dancing, and we decide to go to micky’s. one of my favorite places!  and it was time to leave the party. ok, bye everyone-wait who is this following me? slash. oh, ok, come dancing with us…girls love a guy is comfortable enough with his own sexuality and with himself to not only walk into a gay club, but to dance? points for this guy!

we danced the night away, made out like a couple of drunks and had lots o’ fun.

my friend left that club, and i text him, ‘where r u?’, his response ‘bar’. that made me laugh. um, which bar? weho has like 1000 1/2 bars all in one stretch. doesn’t matter. i’d find him later on anyway. i just knew that i would.

slash and i are walking back to my friend’s house to get my car, (and this kills me) he asks me what was it about him that made me go up to him. really now? am i supposed to HONESTLY answer that? mind you i find out he’s 25, i’m 8 years older than him.

my answer ‘you’re hot’

my HONEST answer?

you’re the only straight guy in there.

girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do right?

carrying a torch for 15 years

but i’m not the one carrying it.

had an interesting week this past week with an old friend. 15 years ago this boy and i were inseparable, i was 18, he was 20. we were young and stupid and i suffered from severe lack of self-esteem and self-respect. and although this boy and i were the ‘best of friends’ he was also one of my best girl friend’s on-again off-again boyfriend. and i did something very wrong. i slept with him. not once, but twice. he was the second boy i ever slept with ( i was a late bloomer-don’t worry, i’m making up for it now). he gave me attention, and not necessarily good attention, but at that point, i took what ever i could get. he was such a dickhead. he went on and on about how much he loved his girlfriend, as we are hooking up, and how he would never do anything to hurt her, as he hooked up with others.

so i did what i thought a good friend would do, and i called her and told her. she yelled at me (rightfully so) and told me that i was only telling her to alleviate my own guilt, and then hung up on me. but honestly, that wasn’t the case. i didn’t get to tell her that he was a dick, that she shouldn’t believe anything he says cuz it’s all lies and he can’t possibly care for her as much as he says he does cuz he’s cheating on her, not only with me but with others too. i never got to tell her that, and we haven’t talked since.

7 years after we all parted ways, i got a random phone call from a private investigator telling me that this boy had hired him to find me (?) and that if i’m so inclined, here’s his phone number give him a call. ummmm, ok. that’s wierd. i had just gotten married to fucker, and let me tell you that was awkward having to explain why this boy from so long ago hired someone to find me. of course i had absolutely no idea why.

curiosity got the best of me and i did end up calling him. he said he’s had a lot of time to think, he’s been travelling across the country alone and that he wanted to apologize to me for treating me like shit. wow. um, ok. thanks. of course i still didn’t know WHY he was doing this. i thought, well he must be in some sort of recovery program, step 9 ‘Make Amends’. i chalked it up to AA and called it good.

fast forward to january ‘09. living in la la land, still dealing with my soon-to-be-ex-fucker and this boy pops up on facebook. ‘how fun’ i think, ’sure why not???’ i think. what could be the harm in saying hello? ha, had i known!

he’s also going through a divorce (his second by the way), and as the old saying goes ‘misery loves company’. so we commiserated in our divorces and how grand life will be once we get these horrible people out of our lives. we didn’t talk too much of the past, we talked about our hopes and dreams for our (respective) futures.

his wife got wind of this, and she threatened to call me and “put me in my  place”. first of all, bring it on sister. second of all, i did nothing wrong. then the boy disappeared for a couple of months. no harm no foul in my book, wasn’t that amazing of a friendship anyway, he lives across the country and i kinda got tired of hearing about the woe is me part of his life. i had already come out of that and was really starting to get into the groove of being a single woman and really LOVING IT.

he tells me he’s planning a trip out to CA and how wonderful it would be to get together and go out to dinner etc. sure! why the hell not!!?!? however, i did start to notice a different mood from him, a different vibe if you will. i’ve told him numerous times that i’m not interested in having any sort of relationshit, (yes, mock me-I just sort of quoted dane cook, and as douchey as the guy is, that always makes me laugh. it’s not a relationship, it’s a relationSHIT) that i’m out just to have fun and date and live life. so i picked up on his vibe, and i thought ‘awesome, this could be really a fun hook up!!! i’ve learned a few things since we hooked up last’. so i played into it a little and was getting ready to have a great weekend.

bgf (best guy friend) RD warns me against the possibilities of what can go awry. but do you think i listened? HELL NO! a girl’s gotta do what she’s gotta do!

down i go to where he’s staying, and let me tell you, i looked freakin HOT. i made sure of it. i even confirmed hottness factor with bgfRD and he concurred. i was smokin’! i figured you treated me like shit 15 years ago, here’s what you missed out on. i just wanted to drop a jaw. which by the way, I DID. (and from what he told me later, it was more than just a dropped jaw, he got instant arousal. win for me!).

we caught up for a little, drank, smoked and drank and we went for dinner. now we all know that alcohol is a social lubricant, so of course the ”talking” started. he exploded with the fact that he basically made a huge mistake 15 years ago, how he should’ve broken up with his girlfriend and should’ve gone for me then. ok, so far. then he tells me how he blames all of his failed relationships on the fact that he didn’t go for me then (??) and that he’s been trying to find a woman like me ever since. all the girls he was with had a trait of me, but they were never like me (???). umm, flattering i guess. then he begins to profess his love for me for the last 15 years and that he’s been waiting for this moment for so long (SHIT!!!! run for the hills!!!!).

we went to bed that night in seperate beds, but i woke up the next morning with him next to me. ok, well, i do miss snuggling and cuddling, so i guess that’s ok. then his hands start wandering and the first words out of my mouthwere “NO SEX!”. we hung out for the day, and i enjoyed being in the place that i was, it was a different world for me. not only physically but mentally as well. it’s been a long time since someone was this sprung over me, and i have to say i really enjoyed it. taking me out to dinner, gushing all over me (metaphorically people, get your minds out of the gutters!!!) and just really having a good time.

in what was to be the last morning together, he kept telling me how ‘this feels right. this just feels RIGHT’. no, it doesn’t, i’m just wanting what i haven’t had in a while and i’m kinda leading him on. so we have another one of our ‘honest, open and frank’ talks. now, after 3 days, i’m over these talks. jeezus, you’d think he was a freakin girl! ‘well, i feel….blah blah blah’. jeez man, grow a freakin pair, throw me against the wall and ravish me! but nooooo, ‘i feel….’. ugh.

time to put an end to this. i told him, very openly, honestly and frankly (blah blah blah) that i wasn’t in the same place he was. i couldn’t seem to tell him i was in no way attracted to him, i think that would’ve crushed him! i said that after 15 years, it’s only been 3 days and it was all moving way to fast and he’s coming on super super strong. he said he’s sorry and that he’ll make it up to me when we go camping. oh HELL NO. i’m not spending any amount of time, tucked away in some empty campground somewhere. uh uh. (bgfRD mentioned that i might get decapitated and taken back as a souvenir. that seemed so wrong at the time, but now…..). so in the bathroom, one of the only times i actually got a second to myself, i send out a distress text to bgfRD for help.

“EMERGENCY SITUATION THAT REQUIRES YOUR ASSIST!! LUNCH AND DRINKS WITH MY POPS”

perfect. ‘um, i have to go, i have a client that needs an appointment this afternoon and i have to go. maybe will get together later in the week’. and i was outta there!

head over to bgfRD’s house and my head was spinning! holy mother of all things good and evil!!! this guy has been carrying a torch for 15 years and expects me to….what? what the hell did he expect me to do? reciprocate????

i needed a drink. then another. then another. then i felt ok. talking it over for a little bit with someone else made me realize that this was not a good situation and that i should not see this boy anymore while he’s here. so i did what i do best. i hid out and i ignored. my thinking is that if you ignore it long enough, whatever it is, it will eventually go away. but this boy wasn’t like that. i got text after text: mushy texts- next time i see you i want your lips for a long time, angry texts-so now you’re ignoring me? and the whole gamut in between. and this was just the first night i ditched him!

i was still with bgfRD and his pops out drinking as the texts were rolling in, along with the phone calls which i didn’t answer. we are horrible people, and i feel like a bitch for saying it, but we had a good laugh at some of them.

i continued to ignore texts and phone calls for the next couple of days. i hid out with bgfRD for a couple of days, then i came home and started to face reality. i had to let this boy know what the hell is up.

so i had one more ‘honest, open and frank’ talks. he came on too strong, i don’t know what the future holds, it’s not you it’s me etc etc. then i hung up the phone and decided that i will not answer his calls anymore.

he got sad. then he got angry. really angry. then he was covering up the fact that he got angry and tried to make up for it with lots of exclamation points via texts. still i ignored it. then he got sad and then i felt really bad.

one last phone call this morning, and i decided to take it. he apologized again for coming on strong. he doesn’t understand what happened between us.

i told him 15 years happened.

being sick and single

i am not a good sick person. i turn into a huge baby and if it was a perfect world, i would be coddled at every moment during my sickness. i would want my boyfriend/husband to ask ‘how are you feeling? ohhh, let me make you some tea. can i make you some soup from scratch?’ as they ever so lovingly stroke my hair…..

well, that ain’t the case.

i’m sick and don’t have anyone to take care of me. (i know, boo hoo). i’m ok with being on my own, i’m a big girl, i can usually take care of myself. but when i’m sick all hell breaks loose in my single mind.

i don’t have the energy to go to the store, buy ingredients for soup and to stand there and actually make it. i don’t even have the engergy to buy a can of soup and heat it up. i barely have enough energy to write this blog post (so if it doesn’t make complete coherent sense, you know why. i’m dying). at this point, i don’t need to eat, or drink tea right? it’s ok. i’ll make it to the bathroom and get myself a glass of water and call it good.

i know what you may be thinking, ‘girl, you got some friends don’t you????’ well yes i do, i have a few close friends. 3 1/2 to be exact (1/2 a close friend? yes, long story-a blog post all to itself). and they all have busy lives and they work and a couple of them have significant others. the others? well, they don’t want to get infected, and who can blame ‘em. my apartment is like a nasty sick zone….

so that leaves lil ol’ me. all by myself. sick and single.

it’s ok though, i’ll be fine.

this is where i throw in some clever last line, but i don’t even have the energy for that. i’m going back to bed.

2 brokes

economic downturn, financial crises

ugh, if i hear those words anymore i just might have to kill someone. i know. things are rough. trust me on this one, I KNOW. business has been soooooo slow that i’m really starting to rethink a few things here. 

with that said, i also want to preface this by saying i have never been one that looks for the rich guys, or dates guys just cuz they have money. i don’t really mind what kind of car they drive, the job they have (but please have a job), etc etc. it just never occurred to me to factor that in when dating someone. i always thought, as long as they were decent, we’re good.

well, at least that’s what i thought i thought. 

being that finances are super tight, i don’t need a guy who is more broke than i am. or whose car is one step closer to breaking down than my car. i’m not expecting fancy dinners and the like (although, holy shit that would be nice). i’m in my 30’s, i didn’t mind it so much when i was in my 20’s, but now….now it’s just different. 

it’s just that two brokes don’t make a dating right. ya feel me?

i make the rules

i just got an awesome comment on the ’single girl at a wedding’ story (thanks misodorky!). she said she understands where i’m coming from, she feels my pain. as i was replying to her (and adding one more tidbit to the story)  it hit me; i make the rules.

yep, i make the rules.

i don’t have to cater to anyone. i don’t have to tiptoe around anyone anymore. 

case in point:

last friday i had to drive to see a myriad of clients in the town i started my business. love the town, love my clients even more. i was done by 2, and i even washed my car. (sad sight, hasn’t been washed since march. gross right?). i called a potential boytoy (ya, the one that wasn’t worth it that one night, but we’ll see. i’m working on it) to see if he was around. he tells me maybe after 4, maybe after 6, maybe after 8. well shit, that’s a lot of maybes. i told him i’m only going to hang out as long as i feel like it, then i’m out. if he’s done with work great, if not, well tough shit. 

it was a hot freakin’ day in LA LA land, and even hotter in Ventura county. after hand washing the car, i was hot and sweaty. i decided i needed a beer. mmmmm, a nice cold beer. stopped in to the local dive bar-Chuy’s. ok place, why did i not go in there when i lived there?

i planted my self on a stool against the wall, and propped my feet up, lit a smoke and had a beer. ahh, the single life. no hurrying back to the husband/boyfriend, no calling to check in. life is good. (hot, but good).

met a nice man at the bar, talked and laughed. drank some more beers and having a great time. more and more people trickle in to the bar, and i keep firmly planted on my stool against the wall next to the man who is affectionately known as “Dad” at the bar. Apparently he is the big cheese of the regulars at the bar. Yay for me! 

next thing i know, its 6. get a text from boytoy, he’s still working. ok i’m still drinking!  

met another man, a really nice man. i really enjoyed talking to him (he told me later he knew we’d hit it off when i told him i didn’t want to hear about him talk about his ex-wife. well, i didn’t). he asked me how it is that i didn’t have to get going, especially with such a long drive back to LA.told him i’m not in any hurry to go anywhere. i could go home when i want. 

we chatted about lots of things, and by about 9pm when he went to leave, i was actually a bit sad. maybe i’ll hit up chuy’s on thursday for trivia night, i’ve been formally invited.

left chuy’s and went to the wine bar around the corner to meet up with a friend who is there every friday night. (and secretly hoping to meet up with the hot doctor i met there once. oh. my. god. doctor brian was freaking hot and i would have done him in the bathroom. alas, he wasn’t there. sad girl). talked with my friend for hours and finally around 12:30 decided to maybe head home. 

forgot all about boytoy. texted him to see if he was still up, but decided i was too tired from the day to hang out with anyone else. 

but here’s the whole realization that i made that day:

i make the rules for me. i can come and go as i please. if i choose to go home, great. if i choose not to go home, even better. 

i didn’t realize it until now. but i really like making the rules. 

i especially like making up the rules as i go along.

sad girl

amidst all this fun and silly things going on in my life, there’s something that i am just having the hardest time getting through, or over. 

and that’s the divorce.

i haven’t filed the papers yet, for 2 reasons: 1) can’t afford it, 2) need help filling it out so it doesn’t get thrown back into my face (again, and it was so humiliating the first time). 

but in my mind it’s over. i don’t give a fuck what papers are filed or not. it’s done.

i’m just having a hard time getting over the anger. and bitterness. (i have a name for her, and its Bitter Sally). see, i didn’t initiate the divorce. things were bad, but i was in it for the long haul and willing to work out our problems. he didn’t. after a year now that we split, i’ve come to realize he just didn’t want to be married. he didn’t understand what that meant. 

so with that understanding, and knowing i did everything i possibly could (and then way more on top of that, just to be sure) to salvage the marriage, i’m still SOO FUCKING ANGRY. wtf?

it’s been a year. how long does this fucking last? when does that day come that i don’t think of him on a daily basis? (just so you know, it’s not the ‘oh, wha wha wha, i still love him and miss him’ bullshit. no, it’s more like ‘in what way can i physically hurt him’ thoughts). when will Bitter Sally stop rearing her ugly head towards all men? cuz even i’m getting tired of it! i can’t help but be angry and bitter towards men right now.which is why i hang with the gays. but i digress….

alright. that’s enough sad girl. didn’t mean to bring you down. just had to get it out of my system. 

i promise you that i will try to not post too many things about the big D. i don’t wanna think it, write it, and you don’t wanna read it. i’m sure there are plenty of blogs that are dedicated to that shit. this ain’t gonna be one of them 

maybe i’m pms-ing.

that’s it. it’s pms