reading into it

we women are absolutely terrible at this. we read into things people (men) say, and spend days or even weeks trying to figure out what they ‘really mean’. ugh. it makes me crazy! i try not to fall prey, and yet, here i am, trying to figure out what he really means.

having a male friend that i’ve casually slept with, and have dealt with many, many (many) trust issues with, i’m trying to figure out what the hell he’s trying to say, cuz i’m pretty sure he’s not saying it with his words.

last week, my best girl friend texted me super late. she just got off work and was letting me know what she wants to do for her birthday. my guy friend and i were hanging out and as soon as the text came through, his eyes darted to my phone. i felt him staring at me while i read it, responded and continued our conversation. his whole attitude towards me changed after that. we were at my house and at 12:30 am he decided he wanted to go back to his house. i was ready for bed, so i suggested either he stay, or i’ll see him tomorrow. neither of those seemed to be viable options in his mind, and he talked me into going back with him. so i did. the drive was a bit awkward, i felt it but ignored it. when we got back to his house, he somewhat ignored me. i couldn’t figure out what the hell was wrong. i picked up my phone and added my other friend’s bday activities to my calendar (i can’t live without it, between work and life, i gotta get everything in there!) and he stood up and announced he was going to bed, and he left in a huff. i followed him, leaving my phone in the other room, knowing his source of agitation. i do normally go to bed with my phone, i like to fall asleep to my crickets app. but this time i left it and he made a  sarcastic comment. ‘what? you’re not bringing your  phone? every night your bring your stupid phone to bed, but tonight you don’t. what the hell?’ i told him i sensed a little agitation and asked what was going on. ‘you tell me what’s going on. you’re getting late night texts. you always come to bed with your phone, but not tonight. you leave it. you tell me what’s up.’. i was very calm (altho secretly i wanted to kick him in the f’n crotch), and i told him who texted me and why. no answer from him. i took this as him not believing me. i offered up my phone as proof. and this is where i caught myself. WHAT THE FUCK? why the hell did i just offer up  my phone? this is MY private property, what I do with MY phone is MY business. i can’t believe i did that. i am so disappointed with myself. it’s none of his stupid business who i text and when. he told me he didn’t want to see my phone, and i sighed, turned over and went to sleep.

i’m still pissed at myself for even offering the phone up as evidence. we are NOT dating, we are NOT together, we are NOT a couple. we have NOT made any sort of pact/commitment. in fact we don’t talk about anything about our friendship/sleeping together thing. so why does it matter? why is it ANY of his business who contacts me and when?

it bothered me the entire next day, and i was trying to find a time to bring it up to him and see if i could get to the bottom of it. that night, we went to bed and he said something, can’t remember exactly what, but it gave me an opening, so i asked him, ‘why did you get upset when i got a late text?’. silence. he cleared his throat, more silence. then all he said ‘nothing, it’s nothing’.

then more silence. whatever. i went to sleep.

last week was his birthday. i took him out to our favorite sushi spot. we know the sushi chef and were chatting about his little boy. he had some pictures scrolling on one of those digital photo frame things, and they looked familiar. i asked if he added more photos to it or if these were still the same ones from last time. my friend looked at me and said those are all new, and i said ‘oh, they look so familiar!’ not thinking anything of it. under his breath, my friend muttered ‘what, you’ve seen these before? you must have been here on a date’. now this would normally  not bother me, but the mere suggestion that i’ve been on a date is ludicrous! he has monopolized my time completely, i haven’t even had a moment to myself let alone try to meet someone to go out on a date. i just glared at him. he felt it . i drank some sake, ate my delicious sushi and let it go.

but i’ve been letting too much of it go. why do i deal with the comments? the insinuations, and more so why do i even get bothered by the insinuations?

i just wish he would tell me what is going on in his mind. i thought men were supposed to be easy. they say what they think, say what they want. there isn’t supposed to be this ‘figuring’ out part of them.

OR, and this is just a big OR, maybe i’m wanting him to mean something by those words and that’s why i’m trying to read into stuff. (and i fall prey to the womanly stuff don’t i?). do i secretly want him to want me? of course i do. but all in all, i know it’s not something that’s possible, for many reasons. so, why do i secretly want it? who knows. self esteem? convenience? loneliness? d)all of the above*.

but i have tried to not be so one sided and really try to look at it objectively. if a girlfriend was telling me this stuff, i would think the guy has feelings for her and is being protective of her. but then reality sets back into my head and realize that’s probably not it, cuz this guy  is a player, never wants to settle down and is just wrong for a myriad of reasons. (*uh oh, add that to why i want him to want me. cuz he’s all wrong)

but for lawd’s sake, why?!? why is he acting this way?

i guess until the shit hits the fan, i won’t know.